


Nothing To Me

by ChinaDoll



Category: Free!
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smoker!Makoto, Strip Tease, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 14:06:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5093519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChinaDoll/pseuds/ChinaDoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto's heart is shattered and all it takes is a thoughtless, single word text. Will anyone, ever be able to pick up the pieces? Does a beautiful dancer, have the skill to bring him back from a break up; so unexpected that Makoto allowed himself to think he'd found his life partner? Was he wrong in the first place, is his partner hidden by the shadows of the wrong side of town? </p><p>Will they save each other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
> _Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me_  
>  No you don't mean nothing at all to me  
> But you got what it takes to set me _free_  
>  Oh you could mean _everything to me_
> 
>  
> 
> _~Say it right_  
> 
> 
>   
> 

The red glare of the alarm clock made Makoto blink blearily, it would go off in thirty minutes, so he could be on time for work. Makoto pulled the blanket back over his head, fighting off a sniffle, though not successfully.

He didn't feel like going to work, though he knew he would, even if his boss would gladly give him time off, Makoto disliked the thought of sitting at home, with his own thoughts all day. His eyes hurt from crying, sniffling again, Makoto knows he doesn't have any tears left, as much as his heart wants to howl in pain, grieve and let the whole world hear, before sulking away to hide from everyone and everything.

The day before, had started out wonderfully, he had woken up tangled up in his boyfriend Gin, who he'd been dating for six months as of the day before, he had smiled, kissing soft dark hair and nuzzling closer. Gin mumbles, annoyed to be disturbed, trying to shift away from him. Without much luck. 

“You have to work, don't you...?” Gin asked, after taking a breath and attempting to relax again in his boyfriends arms.

“Not until this evening, night shift.” Makoto said, still smiling happily. “I'm all yours in the mean time.”

Gin wiggled out of his arms this time, glancing up at him, “breakfast sounds good.” 

“Mmm, I agree.” Makoto nodded, stretching his arms over his head and sitting up a little. He watches as Gin slips out of the bed, covering himself with the sheet from the bed, grabbing after his scattered clothing and disappearing into the bathroom. 

Makoto tilled his head and waited for him to return, when he did, the dark haired man didn't even look at him, only tossed the sheet back towards the bed, brushing at the wrinkles in this club t-shirt. 

“Baby, are you feeling okay?” Makoto asked, slipping to the edge of the bed, to get closer to his boyfriend.

“Yeah.” Gin whispers, running his fingers though his hair and nodding. “I'll run to the corner, get some breakfast, you want smokes?” 

“Mmm, yes please.” Makoto nodded, standing and giving Gin a light morning kiss. Gin smiled slightly and waved as he left the room, Makoto heard the front door close behind him. 

Tossing back the blanket he sighed, wiping his nose on the hem of his t-shirt. He had gone though the day, in his head over and over, trying to pin point what had gone wrong, what had he done, to return home the way he had.

Makoto crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom, glancing at himself in the mirror, his brown hair disheveled and eyes puffed up red. 

He had spent the morning with Gin, laughing as they ate breakfast, making love again soon after, going to a movie at noon and shopping before getting lunch. Makoto had been so happy, it filled up his heart and made him feel warm even in the slight October chill, which he tends to love anyway, next to the summers in iwatobi. 

Makoto's heart seemed to chase after, every panting breath and low moan Gin made when they returned to his apartment, ready again to indulge in each other, warm skin pressed up close and breath so heavy it left dapples racing over heated flush. Makoto closed his eyes from the realness of his reflection, picturing and feeling the ghost of every blissful sensation. His breath hitched as he could clearly see his lover, sprawled out underneath him, how his eyes fluttered closed, leaving long lashes to fan over hot cheeks. 

The sudden urge for a cigarette settled over him, Makoto breathed deeply though his nose and licked over his dry, cracked lips. When he stumbled back into his bedroom, he grabbed for the pants he had worn to work yesterday and finding his phone before snagging onto a half used box of cigarettes. His phone was blinking, so he tossed the pants back were he found them and took it and his smokes out on the balcony.

Inhaling the Autumn air, Makoto leaned over the railing and lit a cigarette, taking a drafted before listening to his voice mail. 

_Hey Makoto, I don't need to to show up for your shift today, we have more guys then we need, someone messed up with the hours this week. I think you need some time anyway, you've been looking glum. I'll call you tomorrow, it will likely be a later shift, but the way things are looking, you might not have to work until Saturday, so rest up if you can and give me a call if you need to talk._

Makoto tilted his head back, bringing the burning paper back to his lips for another pull, the nicotine making his head feel better, but his heart refused to stop aching.

He wonders why he had been looking 'glum', until last night he had felt as if everything, he had ever wanted, was wrapped up and warm in his arms, in his bed. 

Everything was right were is should have been and he was happy, the happiest he had gotten since moving to the city and becoming a firefighter. Makoto had thought that things were falling into place, that he had found his life partner after a long time of not dating at all.

As he leans there, cigarette almost gone, he wonders if he had been childish to think such things, so soon in a relationship. Gin hadn't been his first partner, but over all he was the one that really struck a cord, leaving Makoto's heart broken and chain smoking in the early hours of a chilly October morning. 

Nibbling at his chapped lips in thought and ignoring the busy city under him in favor of self reflection, that the bathroom mirror had been to detailed for his shattered soul. 

Gin had been fast asleep when he had to leave for work, he made sure to kiss him gently before rushing to write him a note, telling him to please stay and be there when he got home, so they could both spend more time together and Gin wouldn't need to go back to his apartment, were his crazy roommate was hardly ever out of the bathroom. 

Work was mostly quiet, one cat in a tree that Makoto helped get down, then the rest of the night was slow, just glancing back at the clock and thinking of Gin, curled up in a tangle of sheets like he had been before Makoto dragged himself away almost six hours ago, it was nearing midnight and Makoto was sure that Gin had spent the evening reading, or going out with a friend while waiting for his return. 

Makoto peeked at his phone one last time, checking to see if Gin had texted him, normally he would get at least three from his boyfriend when on shift, however none tonight. Makoto mentally shrugged, five more minutes and he would be seeing him anyway.

He had stopped at the market on the way home, grabbing stuff for dinner and a rose as a treat, for his patient lover, smiling to himself while the lady at the check out commented.

“I can tell, you're a man head over heels in love, it's nice seeing.”

Makoto felt giddy, ready to be greeted by the man who was making him appear like a love sick puppy, to even total strangers. 

The dark, empty apartment, everything was so silent, just the odd hum of the refrigerator making a creepy shiver run up Makoto's arms and raise the hairs on the back of his neck. Gin always would leave light on for him, even if he had to run out before he got home, or went to bed early.

“Gin?” Makoto whispered, his first thought being that maybe the power was out, but then the old refrigerator wouldn't be the only thing left to grumble in the dark single apartment. When in love you use the stairs, two at a time, so Makoto hadn't even bothered waiting for the elevator on the way up

Flipping on the light, he glanced around, letting the front door close behind him, there wasn't a note on the table were he had left one for Gin before work, yet his boyfriend wasn't there for some reason. Makoto felt panic start to settle in his body, placing the stuff he bought on the table and stepping towards the bedroom, he hadn't heard from Gin since he left for work, not even a sweet text, letting him know he missed him. 

Maybe Gin was sick, perhaps he only had time to read the note Makoto had left before crawling back into bed, shivering with pain....or worst of all maybe he had been attacked while out with a friend and the police didn't have Makoto's number to let him know.

The bedroom was as lifeless as the rest of the apartment, leaving Makoto feeling cold and alone, only this time there was a note, placed neatly on top of the freshly made bed. Crisp and white next to the gray blanket, taking a deep breath Makoto relaxed a little, maybe he had plans he couldn't get out of and didn't charge his phone, that had happened before.

Mako, 

_As much as I hate to do this to you, after six months, of blissful and wonderfully amazing moments together. You've made me so happy, and it's the best I could have wished for, which is why it pains me now, more then I think it would if I would have just told you, that day you met me in the book store, that I am engaged. My family planned this engagement, and I have accepted my fate, she is a nice woman and I can only hope to love her, someday, as much as you have been able to love me. These six months have given me, everything I could have ever wanted and money didn't even have anything to do with it. But I know, that a life with you is just a silly romantic fairy tale, and I must grow up. My parents would never allow our love to prosper, if they did not disown us right off, we would forever hear the lash of harsh words from everyone in my family. It took everything in me, to leave our bed my love, I pondered it for hours and thought, childishly, maybe I could stay here forever, we could run away together and everything would work out fine, we could have a house in the country and adopt five kids, you would be the best father ever, I know. I would have loved to live that life, but I promised myself I wouldn't look back and regret our time together._

Love always, 

Gin.

Air remained trapped in his lungs as he re-read the letter, hoping he had missed something, that his world wasn't cracking around him from the words clutched in a trembling hand. When Makoto finely allowed himself to breath, it rushed out as a bone rattling sob that shook his entire body. 

It couldn't be true, it just couldn't be. 

Makoto remembers sinking to the floor, holding the letter to his chest, tears falling repeatedly from his eyes, he didn't stop them, couldn't stop the flow. He thinks that possibly, he could have made it though the night with his heart intact, maybe with a strong will and a late night call to his mother, requesting she just talk him though the worst of it, to bring him back to the world of living, with only a few well chosen words of a caring, doting mother.

Makoto hears his phone signal, a sound he had been waiting to hear all night. That single text.

_Sorry._

But it wasn't enough, it didn't say, _please take me back,_ I wish I never left. _I need you,_ take care of me. It was no promise of return, it only made every hurtful word, from the letter return to him and made things worse, that single thoughtless word, broke his heart into a million tiny pieces. 

Makoto wilted, only managing to stuff his phone back away in his pocket, unable to look at the word any more, unable to bare anymore. 

Taking off his work pants and tossing them away, he dove into the bed and couldn't stop the wetness from pouring down his face as he lay there, the clock ticking away, from the living room, overly loud in his tortured state.

Makoto blinked, crumpling the empty cigarette box in his hand, only now noticing he had finished half a box while standing there, his arms and legs were numb from the cold, only standing there in his t-shirt and boxers.

,p>He hadn't even realized the temperature, the feeling settling around how his body already felt from the inside out, numb, lifeless. Makoto had never been though something like this before, it was as though he was ripped in two and only part of him still cling to life or so, as it was.

Makoto started to wonder if moving to the city, had been wise in the the first place, he was working as a fireman, that was true, but he had wanted to find a field helping children, being a coach.

Moving had been hard on him, leaving his parents and siblings behind. He really wanted to just go home, but he knew he couldn't afford to do that and he would be seeing them soon for his birthday anyway.

Makoto wasn't sure what he could do, other then crawl back into the apartment and thaw out. Hide in the blankets again and burrow deep within himself, until the pain subsided, try calling his mother like he should have last night.

_................Sorry..........................Sorry.....................Sorry................_

The numbness was better then laying in the bed they had made love, countless times, the memories would return, every pant and brush of skin, his voice would call out like he used to before climaxing deep and breathy with need and love, Makoto....Makoto....Ma...ko....

“Makoto!” he was startled from the dark depths of his mind, by someone really calling desperately for him. Limping towards the voice he entered his apartment to see that Rin had invited himself in. Makoto's limbs slowly returned to the living with warmth seeping into his body, but Makoto's heart remained chilled. 

“Oh...Mako...” Rin breathed, “I've heard all about it...in the paper, I saw his name and the engagement announcement, they'll be married in less then a week...I new he was scumbag.”

Makoto only nodded, he hasn't used his voice sense before he got back to an empty lifeless home that used to be full of warmth and love. His mouth was ash, his insides black with pain and bitterness and loss. Everything hurt, in ways he never knew was possible. Nothing felt real, just the pain, the sharp stabbing all over his body. His skin tingled with nettle points, sending his flesh in dapples. 

“No.” Rin said, bringing him back to earth once more. “you can't do this Makoto, I've been there...might not have been a guy that did it, but trust me, that hole you want to crawl into, is not any shit you mess with thoughtlessly.”

“...I don't.” Makoto rasped, “...want to think...I-i don't want to breath, I can't handle this...” he sank once more, to the floor, only this time Rin was there to follow. Rin who held onto him and soothed him back, Rin who saved him from sinking more then just to the floor; from dyeing inside out. More tears where shed, those Makoto couldn't manage, Rin cried for him enough. 

“O-okay.” Rin said shakily, his voice raw from talking so much to Makoto. “I think we should go out, just the two of us, have some food and just relax.”

“...you're...” Makoto bit his lip, “taking me to a strip bar aren't you...?”

“...nooo,” Rin shook his head, “I was gonna take you to a diner and a movie.”

“We do that all the time.” Makoto whispered, “lets do something abnormal, it's been a rough 24 hours.”

“You're sure?” Rin questioned, gently.

“Yes,” Makoto nodded, the firmest thing he's said for ages now.

“Okay.” Rin agreed, “bar tenders can be better then therapists and I know the best one in town.”


	2. Chapter 2

Haruka slowly woke from a deep sleep, one he only got on his day off, he blinked before closing his eyes again. Not bothering to move from the position of lying on his stomach. The stress of work always got to him, to many people wanting something from him, weather it be sex or even the odd person who wanted love and faithfulness.  


He just felt numb to it all, he didn't want anything more then enough money to keep swimming on his day off, so he had a place to hide when the work days were over. Where his roommate never asked questions about his job, how he never gets home until after one am and sleeps well into the afternoon.  


Gin was perfect that way, he had secrets himself. He never was there more then necessary, but he kept up his half of the rent. Haruka only knew that he had a boyfriend, because the said man had left a message on the machine when his elusive roommate wasn't there.  


Haruka also knew, he had seen Gin at a few gay clubs and nothing more. From the message, he could gleam that the two were in love, but Haruka didn't have time for such wondering. All he had was swimming, late night/early morning baths, after a long night dancing at the strip bar he worked at.  


Remembering dance routines, buying outfits to go along with the music and letting go of his body, forgetting everything else.  


The hands reaching for his body and the heat rising in the air, the wet brushing of flesh and pleasure sounds lacing into the heavy cords of music. Flinching and pressing closer, enjoying the movement if nothing else, escaping with the sharp breathes and dim lighting, imaging being in the cool ocean, the sent of salt easily picked out in the room from sweat.  


The sun warming every body part and sending relaxing dapples over sensitive skin. He could feel the hands on his body, over his hip bones and making him curl up on himself in the bed as everything returned to him, as if there was a movie playing in his mind.  


His body naturally reacted, making him thrum with want of flesh, to feel alive without making the effort to live...  


Taking a deep breath, Haruka released it with a grown as he rolled over onto his back. Staring up at the ceiling, he starts convincing himself that it's worth getting up, even with the weight of his body dragging down everyone of his bones.  
Not that the weight was anything more then emotional upheaval, of so many years not caring or having anyone else to care.  


The darkness that was the day his grandmother died, when everyone dressed in black and the day was dull and colorless. That's how his world felt, shades of gray everything bleak and bitter cold. Only water held any meaning to him anymore, only dancing made him live long enough to return to the cool or warm embrace of liquid.  


The rare occasions when he would indulge in someone else, for his own pleasure. When everything was skin and sound and amazingly real, when his heart pounded and he could see color even in the darkest of rooms.  


When he's alone, like now, trying not to think but having the images flashing though his brain...

_Loneliness..._

The very word making him sink with despair, as a child he had always been a loner...nobody could comprehend him, no one cared...that is until his grandmother took him in, then he had the first glimpse of what it was like to be truly, endlessly loved.  


It felt like a candle, warm and keeping back the dark in an empty room so you could see the friendly face of another person, to know you're safe and loved. Only to have a slicing wind, snuff out the hope, the light and the companionship.  
How many years had it been? He can't remember. At the back of his mind, he knew, there was nothing left for him, of him.  


After the death of his grandmother, his father rented an apartment in the city, just after high school drifted by. Haruka rarely saw his family, not that he ever really did in the past. His father paid for everything, other then swimming which he felt was a waste of Haruka's time and money.  


No one ever asked what he did with his time, they didn't care. When he wasn't dancing at the club, he would work on art, he had a small show room in the middle of town were he sold prints mostly, along with a few other fellow artists.  


Those who knew he was the late night dancer at the SeaHorse bar, never brought it up, only maybe buying more dances from him than anyone else, they knew him and not only was he beautiful but he didn't ask questions or say anything the next morning.  


Haruka was drifting, he knew what that was like, when in the water, listening to his Grandmother telling him stories.  
He had lost the sound of her voice so long ago, but he clung to the stories like a life line, with any hope he had left in his broken soul.  


Rolling his head to the side, he glance at the blinding glare of the alarm clock, which he amused was red, not that he could see the color for himself.  


It was time to drag himself to the bath, he needed to pick out a knew outfit for his dance tonight. A friend of his had sent him an english song, not that long ago, that he was dying to dance to.  


The lyrics spoke to him in every way, fitting his feeling all the way down to his bones. He could only dance to songs that made him hot, that touched him so deeply he could handle the strangers hands groping over his waist and clinging to his hips, desperate for physical contact.  


Than again, maybe everyone is deep down was seeking the heat of someone else, the warmth of skin pressing close and the blood pumping faster with every breath.  


Those who are lonely at night, cold and needing someone it all the space that is the rest of the bed.  
That word again, maybe it was something everyone carried with them, in the dark, in the sunshine, loneliness.  


How long did the men he knew go, hiding the truth from themselves and their loved ones, before they showed up at the bar, to indulge in feeling and passion to let go, maybe even more so then he did while dancing.  


The little that he lived, was the only truth they denied most of their existence. Haurka needed someone, but who?  
What person in their right mind would take someone like him, so colorless and dead? What man or woman would take the time to piece together his shattered soul?  


They would have to be... _lonely._


	3. Chapter 3

Makoto forced any second thoughts, he might have had, out of his mind about not entering the strip bar, when Rin stood next to him on the sidewalk in front of the seahorse.   
His childhood friend had managed to get him showered and ready, for 'a night on the town.' as Rin said.  
Apparently, he was very intimately involved with the bar tender that worked weekends, they had met outside the bar and then suddenly it was Rin favorite place to go.   
"Ai, is the sweetest person you'll ever meet!" was said, next to him. The orange hue of the sun setting making him look even more fiery. "I only say that, because you are the sweetest of people but can't really meet the in the mirror."  
Makoto didn't want to be reminded of the mirror...it was still to real, he had been thankful when the shower clouded it over with steam.  
"Ai was my roommate before Sousuke." Rin mentioned, it felt like background noise, static sharp in his ears as they stepped into the bar, Rin holding open the door and grinning.   
Everything was slow in Makoto's mind, but the bar was in full swing, with people dressed in black and white taking orders and a small dance floor in front of a long stage that had silver poles on it, the glint from the mettle sent metallic patterns across the dancers, as the colorful lights hit them from above.  
Makoto has never seen anything like it, maybe in a movie but when it's right in front of him, vaguely he follows Rin to the bar, feeling even more sluggish in the upbeat place.  
"Ai!" Rin greets a young man, with grayish silver hair behind the bar. The moment Ai notices the redhead, his face lights up and he smiles brightly.  
"Rin..." he pulls out a glass and starts making the older mans drink, as if it's the only one he can truly remember by heart. "I'm glad you're here tonight, is Sousuke also due?"  
"I think he should be by," Rin nodded, "when his shift ends."  
"I look forward to seeing him." Ai whispered, as Rin leaned closer to him, even with the polished wood of the bar between them.   
"Maybe we can talk you into a dance," Rin suggested, after being handed his finished drink. "when does your shift end tonight?"  
"In a few hours," Ai smiled, "I would love to dance with you and Sousuke..."  
Makoto fell into the seat next to his friend and stared at the pattern of the wood, the music was loud but not enough to stop himself from thinking.   
Rin seemed very happy with the other man, along with his best friend Sousuke he was sure they made a perfect trio, one that was triple the happiness.  
Makoto wanted to be thrilled for Rin, he tried, but he felt cold in the heated room, felt that every moment around him was a play of some sort and the actors were very poor.   
"Mako...!" it felt so very far away, as if someone was shouting over crashing waves of water and he couldn't quite bring himself to care...about anything.   
"Makoto!" Rin shook his shoulder this time, bringing him back from places unknown, the same dark and damp place he had been residing in all day.  
"Mmm?" was all he managed to get passed his chapped lips, glancing up at his friend.  
"....I'd like you to meet Nitori Aiichirou." Rin said, looking at him with concern but smiling when turning towards the young man in question.  
"...nice to meet you...Nitori-san." Makoto said, looking at the other man and attempting to smile for Rin's sake.  
"Please, Aiichirou is fine." he smiled sweetly and placed a finished drink in front of him, one Makoto assumes Rin ordered for him.  
"So, whose dancing tonight?" Rin asked, keeping up the conversation as Makoto went from staring at the bar to contemplating the rotating of his drink.  
"Haruka," Aiichirou says, "he was wearing a new costume...looked like something an Arabic dancer would wear for a performance for the king..."  
"Should be interesting." Rin said, glancing towards the stage and then swishing his drink while turning to Makoto, "you're in for a treat."  
Makoto hardly heard him, it was as if he had ear plugs in, everything was only half as meaningful as it had once been. Rin may have brought him back from totally closing himself off, from ever leaving his apartment. He still felt dead, like he was slowly walking though water, dragging the weight of his clothing and emotions.  
Makoto turned away from his drink, looking at the stage, someone said something over the microphone, but he couldn't hear what it fuzzed and fizzled though his hears like white noise.   
He felt the music change more then heard it, the rhythm thrumming though the air and the whole room seemed to vibrate.   
The beat was sharp and he noticed everyone had slowed down, seemed to be holding their breath as they watched.  
Suddenly sound pounded though him, like a splash of water being thrown over him, could feel his ears pop. Makoto stared as a figure dressed finely swayed out onto the stage, his outfit was like water cascading down his slim body and clinging to every possible curve.   
"Beautiful." Aiichirou whispered.  
Makoto had to agree. On stage was the most beautiful man, he had ever seen, which was interesting because Rin had held that title for years.   
Hair as black as he was feeling, framed a delicately sharp face, along with deep eyes that had the whole room fixated on him.  
His blue costume glittered in the swaying lights as he moved gracefully to the beat, rotating his waist and hips, arms in the air as his eyes slipped closed and he felt the rhythm ripple though him. His every movement sent Makoto's broken heart fluttering, like it was attempting to fly again after it's wings being ripped to shreds.   
Makoto was entranced, he forgot why he was there in the space with only him and the beautiful Haruka. His heart clenched though, still wounded from the breakup he never wanted.   
The loyal part of him reacting strongly, wanting to bolt and never look again. He felt like he was betraying the very best of himself, but something reminded him that he was the one left, betrayed.   
The words to the song seemed to float in his mind, striking cords with every beat with every pop of the dancers hips, that he wanted to hold onto, grip and feel the moment along with seeing it.  
The dancer was in his own world, swept away by the song and it added to his enthralling presents.   
When things faded down and Makoto was brought back to the bar by loud clapping, and Haruka left the stage, hips swaying as he joined the main floor to mingle.  
Makoto pulled out his phone and tried to find the song the the dancer had been lost in, he couldn't seem to find it no matter what he searched  
"Rin...?" he asked his friend, "do you know...the name to that song...the English one Haruka was dancing to?"  
"...." Rin pulled himself away from his conversation with Aiichitou, or more accurately flirting. "Say it right...I sent him the song last week, I guess he really liked it."  
Makoto thanked him and went looking for the lyrics.  
"Haruka seems to have sparked something in you." Aiichirou commented, with a smile.   
"I agree." Rin nodded, "say Ai...think maybe you can get Makoto a dance? I'll pay for it."  
"I can try," Aiichirou says, "you know how booked up he gets though."

Makoto didn't have a chance to stop the idea from forming. 

Aiichirou took a tray of drinks to the main floor, flagging down Haruka and talking to him, they glanced in their direction during the conversation. Aiichirou smiled and Haruka remained passive, Makoto had to look away back at the bar, he didn't want to be rejected again, this time by the beautiful dark haired man. His fragile heart couldn't take it, so soon if ever. 

Aiichirou returned. "He'll do it."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> _Tell me_ would you kill to save a _life?_  
>  Tell me would you kill to prove you're _right?_  
>  Crash, _crash_ , burn, let it all _burn..._
> 
> -Thirty seconds to mars – hurricane

Haruka tilts his head while listening to Aiichirou explain to him about the young man at the bar, he considered his shaggy brown hair and sad green eyes. _Makoto_  
Haruka hadn't quite seen such sorrow from someone else, only before slipping into his bath...the mirror glaring him down. He could spot sinking into darkness anywhere, he rested in the dampness that was loneliness.   
Haruka barely heard the story about how he was dumped and was in need of a good time, how the friend of his also at the bar was willing to pay for the private dance.   
He didn't need to know the man was in pain, it was written all over his very being, wounded and on display. He looked like a dog beaten one too many times by his master, but to loyal to run away.   
When the man turned back to face the bar, Haruka could feel the hurt rolling off of him in waves, like he was ready to be rejected one more time, yet it would be the end of him.   
"Room two." Haruka told him, "I'll take him before anyone else."   
There was no need to justify being with the young man, even before the regulars, the broken look he had Haruka could empathize...maybe even more then he was willing to admit to himself. The slow drag of everyday had become normal in a way, he was ready to do something about it, even if all that meant was enjoying the company of some else sinking as deep as himself.   
Room two was decorated in shades of blue and gray, calm and relaxing, it helped him imagine being in the water.   
The room was mostly for his use, he had a bunch of his own cds near the player, sighing he went to it and looked though them. He thought of the young man he was going to entertain for the next half hour, imagining green eyes and the dog like expressions.  
Haruka got a lot of his songs from Rin, after hearing some he really like he went looking at some for himself. If he was ready to admit anything, he would realize that all the songs he dance to were dramatically, passionate.   
Selecting a disk he opened the player and got the music going. There was a fragile knock on the door, almost unheard in the sound proof room full of low trembling beats.   
“It's open.” Haruka told him, turning in time to see the young brown haired man slip shyly though the door and close it with a light click. He looked like a frightened rabbit, frozen and ready to bolt at any moment. Large shoulders slumped, his eyes were down cast and the sadness just seemed worse then when he first saw it.   
“...I was told...you would see me here...” Makoto whispered, a slight embarrassment slipping though, his voice fizzled and broke.   
“Sit...” Haruka said, “if it makes you more comfortable.”  
“Thank you...” Makoto fell into the middle of the provided couch, “...though, I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable...nothing to slight you, I've...just never been to this kind of place before.”   
“Well, it's simple enough around here,” Haruka fell into what, most of the dancers called the 'sales pitch'. “Your friend bought a private dance, I've picked out a song and with your permission will straddle your lap and dance. You are allowed to touch my hips, waist, legs. The intimate dances I provide last about ten to fifteen minutes.”  
“O-okay...” Makoto sighs, “I'm willing to proceed...”  
Haruka turned back to the cd player and skipped to the next song, before closing his eyes and letting the slow starting beat slip into his being, falling relaxed and allowing himself to rest in the peaceful place. The eyes on him had never been a bother, he rather enjoyed being avidly watched. Maybe he had just grown numb to all of it, he liked to think that but some part of him sought touch. The last shard of his soul seeking to be restored, to try living again with everything in him. Reaching out tiredly, seeking for another soul to live again.   
The moments he made synchronization gracefully with everything thrum of music, each cord played were his hips hitting up and then the other, in a powerful swaying motion.   
He peered at his companion as he walked forward, once he was close enough he used broad shoulders to ease himself across the other mans lap. Feeling him exhale deeply, as if he hadn't been breathing at all, during the first part of his performance.   
Haruka allowed himself to relax in the other mans lap, one hand trailing up to rest at the base of his neck, feeling soft strands of brown hair tickle his fingers. Makoto shyly placed his hands on top of his legs, warm skin touching.   
Feeling his partner tense, but not pushing him away, Haruka kept up the motion of his hips, rubbing slowly over the mans pelvis. Makoto sucked in air sharply from the movement, his hands griping tightly to the legs they had been resting lightly on.   
Soon the room was full of nothing but them, the music adding heat to even the slightest of motions. Makoto was letting little moans of pleasure escape him, though his face was hidden in Haruka's chest. Haruka panted, rubbing up into the other man as much as dropping his hips to feel the hardness of Makoto's arousal. 

Haruka could feel strong arms clinging to him, wrapped around his back and tightly pulling him closer. Makoto started to rock into his swaying hips, a natural thrust motion that left the other man sobbing from the added stimulation. Haruka was lost, he wasn't sure how long they had been doing this anymore, all he knew was the other man seemed close to climax.   
Haruka pulled his head back and looked at the mans face, his eyes closed and tears mixing along with beads of sweat. He found himself smiling, biting his own lip a little as he did so.   
“I'll let you kiss me...” Haruka whispered, he had been thinking about it for awhile and now it had slipped passed his lips, though he was glad, he wouldn't take back the offer now, he wanted to kiss the other man so badly.   
Makoto's green eyes snapped open...everything seemed to fall into a slow haze as those sad eyes considered him, seemed to look deeply into him, so far he must have surely seen his own shattered soul. Makoto took a deep inhale and nodded, closing his eyes again.   
Haruka took the invitation before the other man could change his mind, he seemed to fall forward into Makoto's hold and caught those lips in his own. Makoto responded right away, drinking him in as though he had be wondering the desert for years and Haruka was the only water that quenched his endless thirst.   
“Ahh...” Makoto panted into him, his hips slowing down slightly as his whole being lurched forward. “S-sorry...” he whimpered, once his breath was reasonably back.   
“All in a days work...” Haruka said, close to his lips, letting his own body rest, feeling a stickiness on his own belly. “...I came too. “ he admitted.   
“I...” Makoto smiled shyly... “...would really like to see you again.”   
Haruka stared at him, about to tell him the days he worked and how he could book another dance with the bar manager or Aiichirou.  
“...I mean...if that's allowed...” Makoto muttered, glancing away.   
“I'll give you my contact info,” Haruka told him, “if you ever need another dance, or just someone to be with, you can get a hold of me.”   
This could be his chance, to live or die. And as he looked at Makoto, his fluttering heart decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize how long it took me to get this chapter out, I'm gonna try to get another one out before I start my new part-time job, but I really can't make any promises. 
> 
> Thank you, for reading~<3


	5. Chapter 5

_“Why...”_ Makoto thought as he lay in bed that night, the dark room surrounding him in a murky grayness. _why...did I ask to see him again?_ Haruka's contact info was laying on the night stand by his alarm clock, on a torn piece of paper that the other man had snatched and scribbled on before his next dance.

Thinking about it now and seeing the time, Makoto figured that the beautiful man wasn't even home yet. The fact he was currently dancing with other men didn't seem to bother him yet, he wonders if it ever will. Can he allow his heart to be hurt worse then before and so soon.

 _I'll never fully heal from this, not really...._

There has only ever been a few times in his life, where he thought he just might die from the pain. 

The first time had been almost losing his little sister, in a car accident, not long after getting his license. The collision hadn't been his fault, but Makoto had never been the same after that moment, pull her free from the car. Life had only returned to him when she recovered fully. 

This moment shouldn't feel worse, but it does, he can feel the slow creep of sorrow crumbling his already fragile heart. Clinging to every part of his being, as shadow seemed more real then sunlight to him now, that there was peace in drowning slowly.

Thoughts as thick as molasses, dragging him deeper down. His bed was engulfing him with every tic from the clock in his living room, the same one that Gin had helped him pick out after the cheep one he brought before collage broke. Every memory in this apartment seemed to hold the ghost of his ex, Makoto could even still hear him as though he was still physically there in the life draining space.

 _Haurka..._ The thought alone sent sparked across his cold body, he could practically see the light before his eyes as the young mans silhouette seemed to be straddling him in bed. His breath caught, reminding him how to even breath properly. Sending air, though his lungs and painfully pushing out again before if felt more natural. 

Makoto can remember every hip motion, as though each pop and sway was his heart beat, which steadily grew faster, reminding him that blood was pumping though his body and warming him up, he suddenly felt way to hot, like he had really been drying out in the choking desert, instead of drowning in dark water.

His hand picked up the phone from next to him before he ever really though about it, and he was punching in a number that he had memorized on the ride home, barley hearing Rin telling him that he could stay the night and the couch would be fine. He can even picture the scrawled note, how he detailed every pitch and curve of the hand writing. 

The phone started dialing and Makotos hear felt like it was going to beat right out of his broken chest, cracking ribs that hadn't been given the chance to heal properly. He place the phone to his ear, dreading what he was even doing, but he could still feel the warmth of Haruka's skin and the deep sadness dripping out of blue eyes, hear the young man when he climaxed sharply, so that the ringing of the phone doesn't even enter his mind before...the voice he has been dyeing to hear since he left the bar several hours ago.

“Sorry...” Makoto whispers, remembering that Rin is in the living room and wishing that he had asked his friend to sleep in the bedroom with him instead. “You're probably not even home yet...I don't know why I called.”

Haruka replied, “...you're like me...”

Makoto didn't know what to say, he thought about asking what he meant but that voice was in his ear again. 

“I don't mind,” Haruka murmurers, “I wouldn't have given you my number...if I didn't want you to call me...even at two am.” 

“...Oh shit, I'm sorry....” Makoto glances at the clock and winces, “I can call you back tomorrow.” 

“No.” Haruka says, “I just got home anyway, it's not like you woke me up or anything.”

Makoto sighs deeply, thinking of what to say, while Haruka remains silent. 

“I'd like if you call me again tomorrow though.” Haruka adds, sucking in a breath deeply though his nose. 

“I will” Makoto says, “if it's not a bother.”

“I just told you...” Haruka sounded slightly exasperated, “I want you to.” 

“Okay.” Makoto agrees. 

“If you're not busy, sometime this afternoon...you're even welcome to drop by my apartment,” Haruka says, Makoto can hear a hint of sleepiness from his slow tones. “...I don't have a roommate anymore.” 

Makoto thought about being alone with the young man again...part of him reeled away from the idea, his logical side telling him that this could only make things worse in the long run. More prominent was the urge to just right into something with the amazing Haruka, it didn't even matter if they talked the whole time, though part of him also wanted dive into the passion of heat and flesh once more, wrapped completely in Haruka and lost to everything else. 

He wanted to live and breath the other man, and never return for air. 

“Sure” Makoto exhaled, the desperation in his voice rattling his bone “...I want to see you.”


	6. Chapter 6

_The door is unlocked during the day, drop by anytime._

This is the text that Makoto has been starting at all though breakfast and now while making lunch, along with Haruka's address and apartment number. Something in him is holding back, telling himself that nobody goes to visit the person that gave them a lap dance the night before. The only reason he could think of, is that's what stalkers do. But the glare of Haruka's information only proved that wasn't a motive, the other man wanted to see him, as desperately (though admittedly, more tentatively) as he did. As though Haruka's soul was calling out to him in a way that was both lustful and terrified, as though he had been dead for years and only now wanted warmth again; afraid of living but needing it more then day to day dread and despair...of not being able to even feel anymore.

Lust, the burning itch that won't stop, that moment of life; of touch of existence and pleasure cascading though his body like the devil himself all heat and desire. He could feel it prickling underneath his skin, from all the places Haruka held onto him. In a matter of moments and lost thought, he's harder then he's ever been. And his lunch boils over on the stove ruined. It doesn't matter anymore, he has no time to waste standing in his own crypt like apartment. Deep fried noodles sound better anyway, he can grab some on the way to Haruka's. 

Makoto is running on the shot of adrenaline his thoughts provided, managing to find clean clothing and make his way down the long flight of stairs, taking two at a time. When he gets in the car, he has a moment to think again while attempting to get out of the parking garage, ending up behind someone slow and obviously not boiling over with unfulfilled longing. Grabbing food was a whirlwind, it was lunch time and every place was packed, but he felt like a flickering coal submerged in water. 

Somehow in all the drag of the dive, Makoto suddenly found himself walking up to Harukas apartment, much of his steam from earlier evaporated. His lunch was greasy in the bag he carried, thinking maybe Haruka wouldn't want the offering...or him. Maybe all the fire from last night was just in his head, a feeble attempt from his body to stoke life back into his heart. He felt frozen taking one step at a time, dreading what might happen to him if he reached the floor where Haruka occupied. Imagining the dancers cold, lifeless blue eyes turning on him with disgust.

_You are nothing at all to me._

Why would anyone want him...he was easily disposable...he couldn't even knock on Haruka's door, the numbers staring him down menacingly. Judging him for being there, when only the other day he had been head over heels in love...now broken he was fighting though the waves of pain and remorse seeking out a lustful relationship...something he had never attempted in his whole life.

Always preferring deep, meaningful connection, something that would touch his heart and soul. What was left of him, reminded him how well that had gone for him last time. Telling him he was stupid to be standing there when feeling and pleasure was just beyond this door. He was rooted to the spot torn apart once more, should he listen to the thrum inside his body that was much like the beat suddenly coming from Haruka's apartment...or the dead feeling he had been suffering in for what felt like eternity. With the booming sound shaking him, his heart decided. He knocked. _Nothing._ One more time. _Nothing at all._ He turned the knob, it opened.

“Excuse the intrusion-” His voice drifted away unheard as he entered the door clicking closed behind him. He stood staring, the man from last night was wearing workout clothes. The room was rather brightly lit from large windows in the living room, but Makoto only had eyes for Haruka. Next to the windows was a full wall of mirrors and a dancing bar though the middle of them at holding height. Haruka was facing the mirrors holding the bar with his eyes closed as he practiced the same ance Makoto has seen him preform last night. Say it right was playing loudly though the room as Haruka was in his very own world, sweat clung to his neck and hair, making it look like he had just plunged into water. 

_Beautiful._

Makoto suddenly felt like he had been drowning all his life and only now, when Haruka's eyes met his in the mirror did he feel like breaking the surface and gasping for large gulps of air, but he still couldn't breathe...couldn't move.

“Don't just stand there.” Haruka muttered. The music has been turned off and Haruka was wrapping a towel around his shoulders. Makoto knew he must look like a fish that way he was gawking. 

“Right...sorry.” Makoto mumbled...remembering the bag of food still warm in his hands. ”oh..I brought food.”

“Smells good.” Haruka nodded, as he walked into the other room. “the kitchen is this way.”

Makoto follows him slowly, taking the chance to glance around as he went. The apartment was huge and he was sure Haruka couldn't afford it from working at the club alone. His eyes fell on several very well done works of art, before being brought back to Haruka attention. The other mans hips swayed naturally back and forth when he walked, seductive without even trying. Makoto attempted not to stare, placing the bag of food on the counter as Haruka slipped onto a stool and grabbed the water bottle that was there.

”I..wasn't sure what you would like.” Makoto says, opening the bag and pulling out two containers of noddles, with a side of chicken and veggies. Haruka glanced at him for a moment, his eyes like deep blue pools. 

“Sorry...” Makoto says.

“This is fine.” Haruka shakes his head, taking his share and starting to eat quietly. 

Makoto tries smiling but it's still to hard, the muscles around his face are tired and don't want to be lifted up. He takes his own mean and moves to sit next to the beautiful dancer. They are quiet for what seem like a long time but Makoto doesn't mind, he's embarrassed and is wondering what he had intended to happen between them in the first place. 

“So...about what you said last night.” Makoto started. _“I'll give you my contact info,” Haruka told him, “if you ever need another dance, or just someone to be with, you can get a hold of me.”_

“I meant what I said.” Haruka tells him, still content to stare at his food. 

“I'd like...to take you up on the offer.” Makoto whispers, “that is...I'll pay you..I mean...”

“You don't have to.” Haruka says now looking at him. Makoto was startled by the emotions displayed on his face, pleading almost. “I...want to be with you.” 

“Oh..” Makoto says turning back to his food. “if..it's okay with you?”

“I've taken money for things other then at the club before...” Haruka admits, “not often but it has happened. I can take a lover when I want...there isn't anyone who can tell me not to.”

“Why me?” Makoto suddenly asked, while watching Haruka separate the peas from the other vegetables. 

“Color.” Haruka whispered. “...you make me want to feel again to see the world...without being sad...without...”

“Being lonely.” Makoto finished, feeling his heart pounding in his ears as Haruka turned back to look at him. The deep blues eyes, dull and seemed colorless somehow, acknowledging the truth without words. 

_Without being lonely_

“I have work tonight,” Haruka had returned to separating his peas. “If you want you could meet me there and come home with me...”

”I don't have work...so that's fine.” Makoto rub the back of his neck. “how late?”

“Eleven.” Haruka says. “I asked to get out early. We could...eat...watch a movie?” 

Makoto nodded, a deep ringing sound settling in his ears. He wanted this, more desperately then anything else in his life. He wanted Haruka. Even if the man next to him wanted to start this slow, stoking the embers that had died out from the night before. 

“Sure.” Makoto says, returning to his barely eaten meal. He thinks Haruka might have smiled, but it was was so fleeting that Makoto couldn't be sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy and just couldn't feel the writing flow but I just got back into writing and I feeling very confident. Hope you all enjoy this chapter, much more to come from this story. :)

**Author's Note:**

> I must be a monster, to do this to Makoto...I am a monster.
> 
> Pitchforks and torches, death threats, to be sent here: [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ChinaDoll2522)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/F1F0AHM9)  
> 
> 
> Other Makoto/Haruka: Chapters: [Consign me not to Darkness](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4294848) (nsfw) One Shot: [Inked Skin and lovebites ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2876363) (nsfw)


End file.
